Kaiba's Problem
by virgofairy17
Summary: What happens when the wonders of romance, humor and pop-culture combine in a SetoxSerenity fic? Hopefully not a complete mess. Rated m for language and various references from Rex and Weevil.
1. Frogs Don't Have Balls!

**Kaiba's Big Problem **

After watching Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged by LittleKuriboh, I just had to create a really stupid fanfic. But why Kaiba? Because he's my favorite character, even though he acts like a douche bag. And in the words of Solomon Mouto: "That Kaiba Kid Seriously Needs to Get Laid."

The characters are loosely based on the Abridged Characters, except for a few weird qualities I've added into some them. (You'll find out about those in the story).

* * *

**Chapter One: Frogs Don't Have Balls!**

_Seto Kaiba_.

How can one describe him?

"He's an asshole," Joey said. "A _complete _asshole."

"That guy's a real jerk," said Tristan.

"He's got issues," Yugi added."Ugh! I can't stand him," Téa added.

"That guy needs to get laid or something," Duke Devlin said. "I mean seriously, why do you think he's such an asshole?"

"You know…that ain't a bad idea," Joey said. "If we set him up with a girl, then maybe he wouldn't be such a jerk."

"Who in the hell would want to date him?" Téa asked. "Most girls don't date guys who play children's card games."

"No wonder girls keep turning me down," Yugi said sighing.

"Yeah, everyone loves your sexy counterpart anyway," Tristan said.

"Well, unlike me, he's actually hit puberty."

"Don't worry Yuug, you'll hit puberty any day now," Joey said reassuringly. "Now, who's in on my plan in getting Kaiba laid."

"I'll help, as long as I won't be the one doing it," Téa said.

"I'm in," Duke said. "But none of my fan girls will want him."

"I'm sure we could find someone out there for him," Yugi said.

"Just don't drag Serenity into this," Tristan said. _Because _I_ want to do her._

"Then it's settled, let's go find Kaiba a girlfriend."

* * *

Meanwhile, Kaiba was staying up late again typing away on his laptop. Once again, he was in a cranky mood towards everyone.

"Big brother, will you play with me?" Mokuba asked for the umpteenth time.

"Go away. I'm busy," he said. "Why don't you ask someone else to play with you?"

"But I want to play with _you_, big brother!"

"Shoo," he said. "Why don't you test out my new duel disk design for me?"

"Fine…" Mokuba said sighing. Little Mokuba went back to his room, and Kaiba finally got some work done.

"Now to have some fun," he said clicking onto the internet icon.

Is he going to do what we think he's going to do?

No. Kaiba doesn't look at porn. He has no time for that. Kaiba was playing Minesweeper.

He's completely asexual!

Well…no one knows that for sure because Kaiba is still a virgin. He had never once thought about naked girls, sex or anything related to that.

He was a very sad case indeed. It was almost like he had no hormones at all.

Suddenly his cell phone rang to the tune of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Theme song. (Kaiba doesn't have time to listen to "real" music.)

"What?"

"Hey Kaiba! How you doin'?"

"Wheeler. How the hell did you get this number?"

"Well I--"

_Click._

"That bastard hung up on me," said Joey.

"Let me try," said Téa. She dialed Kaiba's number.

Once again, Kaiba's phone was ringing.

"This is Kaiba corp. What do you want?"

"Hey there stud, looking for a good time?" Téa said in a sexy voice.

"Gardner, you and I both know we'll never be together. Besides, you're terrible at phone sex."

"Did he buy it?" Duke asked.

"No. The asshole hung up on me."

"Tristan, you want to try?" Joey asked.

"Not really. What about Yugi?"

"That's not a bad idea. Yugi, call Kaiba up."

"Uh…are you sure that's a good idea?" Yugi asked timidly.

"What's wrong? Chicken?"

"No," said a deep voice. "I am not chicken."

"Whoa. Did you just hit puberty or something?" Duke asked."No. I am Yami. Yugi's better half."

"Oh my god! Oh my god! He's so sexy!" Téa squealed. She fell over and nearly had a heart attack.

Yami dialed the buttons on the pay phone that was in a very small box that somehow all five of them had crammed into.

Kaiba sighed with annoyance as his phone rang again.

"What the hell do you want?" he nearly shouted.

"Relax Kaiba, it's just me."

"Oh. What do you want Yuugi?"

"I hear Duke Devlin is having a costume party this weekend, and you're invited."

"No. I have better things to do than have some stupid party."

"What if I told you that all the duelists would be there?"

"No."

"What if I gave you one of my rare cards?"

"Which one?"

"Uh…how about Kuriboh?"

"No. Try again."

"I'll give you back Obelisk the Tormenter." Yami said.

"Would you seriously do that?"

"Uh…yes."

"Fine. I'll go to Duke's stupid costume party."

"Yay!" everyone except Kaiba shouted.

So, after the really awkward phone call, Kaiba now had a little dilemma. He had to go to a party that he didn't want to be at.

_It's not like the entire school is going to be here. It's just Yugi and his lame friends. _

Oh, how wrong he would be. Duke had invited the entire school to come to his party.

* * *

Kaiba showed up at school the next day, a couple of girls eyeing him. But like always, he never noticed or cared. Girls were unimportant when he had a company to run.

Kaiba sat down in the front row away from all the losers, but a new girl was sitting next to him.

Well, not exactly new.

It was Serenity Wheeler, Joey's cute sister that Tristan and Duke wanted to deflower.

_Since when is she in my class? _

Unlike Joey, who only applied himself in children's card games and his Brooklyn accent, Serenity was very smart. That's why she skipped a grade and was in Seto's class.

"Class, today we will be dissecting frogs. You'll be in pairs."

_Wow, we're actually doing something in school for once_, Serenity thought.

"Okay uh…Rex Raptor…you'll be with uh…Tristan Taylor."

"Lame," Rex muttered. Tristan sighed.

"When am _I_ going to be paired up with Serenity?"

"Never, because I will," Duke said."Will you guys stop that? You're talking about my sister for god's sake," Joey said as he tried not to think about either of them making out with his sister.

"Joey Wheeler…you'll be with Duke Devlin."

"Sucks to be you," Téa said.

"Shut up," Joey said.

"Hey it could be worse, you could be with Kaiba," Tristan said.

"That's true," Joey said. "I feel bad for the poor schmuck who gets stuck with him."

"Serenity Wheeler…you'll be with…Seto Kaiba."

"Wha? Is he serious?" Joey said.

"Well you know, your sister's got a knack for getting along with everyone," Yugi said "Maybe they might actually do well together."

Joey sighed.

"Thanks a lot Yuug," he said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Yugi Mouto, you'll be with Weevil Underwood."

"Damn it," Yugi said under his breath.

"Hey buttmunch, I'll let you cut the frog's balls off. I'm sure you'll love touching them."

"Ew. That's just gross," Yugi said. "And I'm pretty sure frogs don't have balls."

_For once I agree_, Yami said from inside Yugi's pre-pubescent head.

"And Téa Gardener, you'll be with Ryou Bakura."

Téa sighed.

"Well, at least _I'm _not with some idiot. But I wished I could've been with Yugi. His other half is just way too sexy."

"Uh Téa, I'm right here," Yugi said.

"Oh. Shit, I really thought I had stopped my habit of talking to myself."

"Get to work everyone," the teacher said.

Serenity sat near the back of the room at a lab table with Seto Kaiba. To most people, this would be a living hell since Kaiba was such an asshole and all but…Serenity was too naïve to care. She saw something good in everyone…somewhere. Even Marik had some good in him when she said he would make any girl happy.

But unfortunately everyone else thinks he's gay…with Bakura.

"You want to put the pins in, or do you want me to do it?" Serenity asked innocently.

"Go ahead if you want," Kaiba said pushing the tray over to her.

Serenity pushed the pins through the limbs of the poor dead frog, thankful she had gloves on, but wished there was some way to get rid of the awful smell.

Kaiba and Serenity quickly got to work, while the other groups were either goofing off or arguing.

It wasn't that bad working with Kaiba at all for Serenity. He didn't act stupid, or try to gross her out with the frog.

_And he's not bad looking. He's kind of cute. _

_No! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts! _

Serenity was finished, and asked Kaiba what they were supposed to do next.

"We have to make an incision shown in the picture," he said in a bored tone. Serenity handed him the scissors.

"You can do this part, I don't like cutting things up." Kaiba took the scissors, nearly touching her gloved hand with his gloved hand. Just watching them work together was cute, like something out of a nice fanfic.

"My brother tells me you're coming to Duke's costume party, is it true?" she asked him.

"Not really."

"Ooh, that sounds like fun. What are you dressing up as?"

"What?"

"You're going, shouldn't you dress up?"

"What makes you think I'll actually be at the party? I just said I'm not going."

Serenity put the paper down and looked at him.

"Is there a reason why?" she asked.

"No. I'm not going."

Kaiba grumbled and ignored her. He simply went back to mutilating the poor dead frog.

"Heads up!" A reddish sack went flying across the room and splattered against the window of the classroom.

"Ew!" all the girls screamed.

"See, I told you frogs had balls," Weevil said proudly to Yugi.

"That was his bladder, buttmunch," said Rex. "Frogs don't have balls."

"Neither do you, asswipe."

"That's not what your mother said."

Nearly half the class was in a fit of laughter, while Serenity and Kaiba were kind of disgusted hearing about balls.

"That's enough you two. Detention after school!" the teacher nearly shouted.

"That sucks," Rex said.

"Yeah, detention sucks," Weevil said smirking.

After class was lunch, which totally sucked after dissecting a frog. Most of the kids couldn't eat. But then again, half the girls never ate anyways.

Yugi and his friends sat at the table eating lunch like always.

"Hey guys, cheery old day, isn't it?" Bakura said cheerfully.

"Who the hell is he again?" Joey asked.

"That's Bakura," Yuugi said. "He was Téa's lab partner."

"Oh yeah. Have a seat, buddy old pal."

Bakura smiled and sat down across from Yugi, staring at his millennium puzzle, while Bakura's millennium ring, (equipped with gaydar) was pointing to Yami inside Yugi's puzzle.

Duke was just glad everyone was sitting at the table, otherwise Bakura would be grabbing at everyone's feet again.

_People with foot fetishes scare the crap out of me. _

The sun was shining so nicely outside, and everyone was glad to be eating lunch outside.

Serenity walked outside, carrying her lunch bag with her.

As soon as she saw Tristan and Duke, they began drooling like idiots.

_Damn, Serenity is looking fine today,_ They both thought.

But Serenity never seemed to care that her brother's friends thought she was hot.

No. She wasn't interested in either of those two idiots.

"Hey guys, guess what I watched last night?" Tristan said.

"We don't care," Duke said.

"I wasn't talking to you."

"We all know you watched Rock of Love again," Joey said. "We get it. You think all those girls are hot."

"Yeah, except Tracey. She's a devil spawn. You know, I think Mai Valentine should be on that show."

Yugi sighed.

_Note to self: Someone has to burn Tristan's Rock of Love DVD's (Especially season three. Normal girls do not read rap songs to Bret Michaels off the back of STD pamphlets.)_

"Tristan, for the hundredth time, shut up about that stupid show," Téa said sighing.

Serenity sat down at the table, and noticed far away under a tree was Seto Kaiba by himself at a small table.

Kaiba hardly bothered with his classmates. He was usually busy doing business on his laptop, or talking on his cell phone to one of his employees.

But today he wasn't. Kaiba was eating lunch like a normal student for once.

"What are you staring at, sis?" Joey asked her.

"Nothing…but doesn't Kaiba look rather lonely over there?"

"He's always alone," Joey said. "He's kind of a jerk to everyone."

Joey put his sandwich down and looked at his younger sister.

"Was he a jerk to you today? If he was, I'm going to kick his sorry ass."

"Actually no. Everything was fine Joey. I think we might get an A this week."

"You're kidding? You mean to tell me that you guys worked well together?"

"Yes."

_You've gotta be freakin kidding me._

Serenity didn't pay much attention to everyone at her table that day during lunch. She kept looking over at Kaiba, who was now reading a book.

_I didn't know he read about something other than children's card games._

Serenity looked carefully at the book, and there was a picture of a pair of hands holding an apple.

_Is that Twilight he's reading? _

As much as Serenity enjoyed watching her brother and his friends play children's card games, she was also a Twilight fan.

Seeing Kaiba reading Twilight gave her a good excuse to go over there and talk to him…but she was way to shy.

This continued every day at school for the next two days. Kaiba would be reading, and Serenity would glance at him every five minutes.

Finally, she decided enough was enough and got up from the table.

"Where are you going, sis?" Joey asked.

"Are you going to get us more pudding packs?" Tristan asked nearly jumping out of his seat.

"Are you going to the locker room to change?" Duke asked.

"No," she said. "And why would I go to the locker room? We don't even have gym today."

"Uh…so I could see your cute boobies?"

Luckily Serenity walked away while Duke was talking, so she didn't hear what he had just said.

"Dude, that was totally uncalled for," said Joey.

"What do you want?" Kaiba asked.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" she asked.

"Are you still trying to convince me to go to Duke's stupid party?"

"Not at all. I just needed some peace and quiet."

"So you came here?"

"Well…yes. I actually don't mind talking to you."

Kaiba ignored her and went back to reading his book.

"You read Twilight?"

"You have a problem with that?"

"Not at all. I love Twilight." Kaiba raised an eyebrow.

"You actually do something else besides watch us play children's card games?"

"Yes."

"I like that." Kaiba smiled, and just then a cute little puppy died.

Soon enough, Kaiba and Serenity ended up in deep conversation about their favorite book, and then about children's card games, the frog lab, and then somehow turned to the costume party.

"So why is Duke having a costume party when its not even Halloween?"

"I have no idea. But it sounds fun. Are you sure you don't want to go?"

"I'd rather not go."

"Well, that's too bad. I was hoping we might dance together."

_Dance? Is she serious? I don't dance!_

"So are you going?" Serenity asked.

"Probably not."

The bell rang, and Kaiba left for his next class.

"So, did you get those pudding packs?" Tristan asked her.

"Tristan, be quiet."

* * *

Well? What did you think? I hope you were able to tolerate all the pop-culture references (I don't know how I did.) If you review, the next chapter will be out sooner. :)


	2. Marik's is Blinding Me!

**Chapter Two: Marik Is Blinding Me!**

**A/N: Thanks for those who read, but even more thanks to those who reviewed. If you give me enough reviews (that it probably doesn't deserve) I might just do another SetoxSerenity fic. :)**

* * *

So it was finally Saturday, or Friday…actually, we don't know what day it is.

It doesn't matter anyway, because today is the costume party!

"Seto, your costume is ready," Mokuba said grinning. "Gee, I sure wish I could go."

"You wouldn't want to. It's stupid." Kaiba found his costume and went in his room to put it on.

"Not bad Mokuba."

"I did good?"

"Yes. You did. Now, remember to lock the doors so no one kidnaps you. And here's a can of mace in case someone tries to grab you. The list of numbers are by the phone in the kitchen in case you need anything."

"What time will you be back, big brother?"

"Whenever those losers let me leave. Have a good night."

"Have fun Seto!"

"I'll try."

As soon as Kaiba closed the door, Mokuba snapped his fingers.

"Okay guys, the coast is clear!" A whole bunch of kids came out, turned on the stereo, blasted the TV, ate sweets and did everything a kid would dream of.

Let's just hope Kaiba _doesn't come back_ and see the mess that Mokuba's friends are making in the living room. It's pretty hard to get chocolate stains off a white sofa…

Kaiba finally arrived in front of Duke Devlin's game shop, and got out of his super fancy limousine because that's how he rolls.

He had told Serenity he wasn't going, but how could he turn down Obelisk the Tormentor?

When Kaiba was about to go inside the game shop, across the street Yugi's grandfather was standing outside and sighed.

"Darn it, why don't they ever invite me to those things?"

On the front screen of the shop, pretty girls in bunny costumes were dancing, and Solomon was drooling at the sight of them.

_Dirty old man_.

Kaiba opened the door, only to be greeted by Marik and Bakura.

_Oh good god! What the hell are they wearing?_

Bakura was dressed as a Furby, and Marik…was a slutty ballerina fairy princess.

"Hello mysterious masked man, such pleasant surprise!" Marik said grinning and twirling around.

"Stop acting like a fruit cake, you're embarrassing me!" Bakura said in his dark voice. His millennium ring was on over his costume, and all five prongs were pointing at Marik who was throwing glitter at random people.

"Where's Duke?" Kaiba asked.

"In the VIP section," Bakura said.

"Just follow the glitter trail!" Marik shouted.

_Fools_, Kaiba thought.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" Téa asked Joey.

"I'm Tom Sawyer, what are you supposed to be? A hooker?"

"No. I'm Lady Gaga," she said pointing to her outfit and extremely blond wig. It was a white dress with long sleeves and super pointy shoulders, and the skirt was extremely short.

"It looks like you forgot to put some pants on," Tristan said.

"No one asked you. You guys just don't understand fashion."

Tristan was dressed up as Bret Michaels, wearing a long blond wig with a cowboy hat on top, and way too much spandex.

"I want to throw up just looking at him," Duke said. Duke was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, and his fan girls dressed as pirates.

"Duke you're so sexy!"

"I want to have your babies!"

Duke cringed.

_I don't even want to have _my_ babies…_

"Great party, Duke," Yugi said coming back from the bathroom. Yugi was dressed up as the Dark Magician (no surprise there!)

"Thanks Yugi, glad I thought of it. Now, where's that Kaiba kid at? I have to introduce him to someone."

"Let me guess, you've tried to set him up with Mai Valentine?" Joey asked.

"How'd you know?"

"Because, I told her, and she's looking for him."

"Damn it."

"Hey, speaking of looking for someone, has anyone seen Serenity?" Tristan asked.

"I don't know," Yugi said. "Last time I saw her, she was outside."

Serenity stood out on the upstairs balcony and sighed.

_I guess he's not coming tonight._

Just then, Joey found her.

"Hey sis, you're missing all the fun."

"I was hoping a friend of mine would show up tonight."

"Uh, Tristan is already here."

"Not Tristan. It's someone else."

"Would I know this person?"

"Yes."

"Is this person a friend of mine?"

"Not exactly."

"Right. Hey, how about you come downstairs and not worry about your friend?"

"Okay."

A loud ton of fan girl screams were heard from upstairs, so Joey rushed downstairs to see what was going on.

"Serenity, are you coming?"

"Yes, I'm coming."

Serenity ran back inside the game shop and down the hall to the grand staircase and stopped.

Standing at the bottom was a masked man wearing a prince costume. He had black leather pants on, with a frilly black shirt that showed off his chest, and a fake sword and black boots.

_Wow…I wonder who that is_. Serenity thought.

Kaiba looked up at her, and never realized how pretty she was until now. Serenity was wearing a pretty purple dress and fairy wings with so many sparkles that it made Marik's girly costume very dull and boring.

"How can her costume be sparklier than mine? Unless…she is eviler than I am!"

"Marik, be quiet," Bakura said. "We're not supposed to move until she does!"

"Who says?"

"The author."

"Well, the author is stupid."

The author was not amused at that comment, so she would be putting Marik in a very awkward and precarious situation later (as revenge!)

"Dude, at least she's like, not just standing there and stuff," said Rex.

"Where the hell did you two come from?" Marik said.

"Your mom," Weevil said laughing.

"Yeah, totally," Rex said.

"You two are idiots."

"Whatever, dilhole."

"Uh…hello? I'm trying to make a dramatic entrance here?" Serenity said getting annoyed. "Quit hogging all my screen time!"

"I'm the main character, I should be getting more screen time," said Yami. "Everyone loves Yami."

"Well in this story, you're not the main character," Duke said. "Kaiba is."

"Where the hell is that bastard anyway?" Joey said.

"He's at the bottom of the stairs looking at your sister," Yugi said.

"What? Where? I'm going to beat his ass!" Joey was going to pounce on Kaiba, but Tristan and Duke held him back.

"Well, now we won't have to set Kaiba up with Mai," said Téa. "Besides, I think she likes you instead."

"What?"

Mai Valentine approached Joey, wearing black lingerie with bunny ears on her head.

"Wow, a pair of boobs attached to a woman! Today must be my lucky day!"

"How did you get in?" Duke asked her.

"I gave the guard a b--"

"I think we get it," Téa said.

"I was going to say balloon. Apparently the guard has a balloon fetish. You guys are such perverts!"

"Wow, your boobs look great," Joey said staring at Mai's chest.

"Uh…my face is up here pervert."

"What? Oh yeah, hello Mai's face. What brings you here to Duke's party that you weren't invited to?"

"I came to tell you that I am not having sex with Kaiba because he's an asshole. The kid is completely asexual. I showed him my boobs and he didn't do anything."

"Nothing?" Tristan asked. "Geez, it's too bad he didn't appreciate such a wonderful work of art."

"Tristan, shut up," Joey said. "So Mai, since Kaiba obviously doesn't want you, I'll be more than happy to take you home tonight."

"It might actually make you seem like less of a loser," Mai said. She grabbed him and they were quickly out the door.

"Ha! It worked," Yugi said.

"What worked?" Tristan asked.

"My plan to set Joey up with Mai. Now that Joey is out of the picture, Kaiba can talk to Serenity without her brother threatening to kill him.

"That's wonderful!" Téa said. "You are so smart! But isn't that a stupid idea?"

"Yes, it is. But I would be forced into a slash fic with Bakura if I didn't follow the pointless plot."

"Right…"

Tristan and Duke stood on the edge of the dance floor, both of them very sad.

"But…I wanted to get with Joey's hot sister!" Tristan said.

"Me too," Duke said sniffling.

* * *

Serenity approached the handsome prince at the bottom of the staircase.

"Wow. You look really nice. Uh…am I supposed to ask you to dance?" Kaiba said.

"I think so," said Serenity. "Isn't that what a guy usually does?"

"Well, want to dance?" he asked holding his hand out to her.

"Okay," she said taking his hand. As soon as she took his hand, everyone watched as Serenity danced with the mysterious masked man.

Soon the crowd grew bored after five seconds and decided to dance with each other, with Marik forcing Bakura to dance with him, while Rex and Weevil (dressed up as each other) sat in the chairs lined against the walls, rating chicks on their hotness scale.

"What do you think of Mai Valentine?"

"Heh. That woman is a skank. I'd give her an eight."

"Heh, me too," Weevil said. "She's got a nice rack."

"What about Téa?"

"She's a six. Not exactly my type."

"I've read too many disturbing fanfics about her anyway," Rex said.

"Serenity is a nine," said Weevil. "And if she wasn't dancing around with that asshole Kaiba, I'd do her."

"Dude, you're a such a player," Rex said. "You like, want to score with every chick and stuff."

"I like, totally scored and stuff with your mother last night."

"Ew."

And that is when the scene transitions back to Kaiba and Serenity.

* * *

"Do you go to my school?" she asked.

"Yes."

"How come I've never seen you around?"

"I usually keep to myself," he said. "Would you like to go outside? Marik's slutty ballerina fairy princess costume is blinding me."

"Yes I would. I have strange feeling that Rex and Weevil are staring at me anyway."

Kaiba and Serenity went outside and sat on the balcony. A nearby couple was making out, but they left when Kaiba glared at them.

"Get a room," he said to them.

The balcony remained quiet for a few minutes, and then Serenity inched closer to him.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

"Me? You're the one holding my hand?"

"What?" Kaiba looked down and sure enough, he was holding her hand.

More awkward silence.

"I like you," Kaiba said.

"I like you too," Serenity said.

"This is completely out of character for me, but…can you close your eyes for a second?"

"Alright." Serenity closed her eyes.

_Okay…lean in…closer. Come on, don't chicken out now._

"Open your eyes now," he said.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"Nothing. I just got rid of the bug on your shoulder and I didn't want you to see it."

* * *

"I kissed a girl and I liked it!" Marik nearly shouted as everyone danced to some stupid pop song.

"It's about time everyone started dancing," Duke said.

"Well, technically everyone was. The author was just too lazy to write about it," Tristan said dancing like an idiot.

"Attention duelists, my hair loves this song!" said one of Pegasus's evil henchmen with the super pointy haircut.

Meanwhile Pegasus was in the middle of the dance floor, spinning around in his Snow White costume.

"I feel fabulous!"

"Did someone order fifty jalapeño and pepperoni pizzas?" asked a small gray haired man.

"Uh…yeah," said Duke. "Just put them over on the table next to the punch bowl."

The man went over to the table, laughing.

"My disguise worked! I made it into the party!" said Yugi's grandfather. He came in dressed up in a Domino's pizza uniform he stole from some poor unsuspecting teenage boy. However, the uniform was too tight, so he looked kind of weird in it.

All the kids at the party quickly ran over to the pizza boxes and began devouring the pizzas, nearly fainting at the hotness of the jalapeño peppers.

"Ahhh! They're too hot!" Marik screamed. "They are too evil even for me!"

"Heh, these are awesome," said Weevil.

"Yeah, totally. Come to Raptor."

"Dude, you're a fartknocker."

"Heh, heh, dude, I still scored with your mom."

"Will you two shut up? I have to announce the winner of the costume contest," said Duke.

"Sorry…buttmunch," said Rex.

"Heh, heh, yeah, sorry you're a buttmunch."

Duke sighed.

_Good god! Why the hell did I even invite these idiots anyway?_

"Alright, the winner of the costume contest is…not everyone who is dressed in the awful Dark Magician girl cosplay."

All the girls (badly) dressed as the Dark Magician girl booed him.

"The winners are…Serenity Wheeler dressed as a fairy princess…and the masked man dressed as a dark prince who looks like Kaiba."

"I think that's us," Serenity said pulling Kaiba along. She took Kaiba by the arm and brought him up to the DJ booth on stage.

"Here you guys go. Two fifty dollar gift certificates to my gaming shop. Enjoy!"

_This is stupid. I already own a billion dollar gaming company. Duke's shop sucks anyway._

Kaiba gave his gift certificate to Serenity.

"Here."

"But…you don't want it?"

"Give it to someone who needs it more."

"Aw, that's so sweet." Serenity stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.

Maybe she shouldn't have done that.

Somewhere deep in the confines of Seto Kaiba's brain, the on-switch for his hormones turned on.

_Whoa. What just happened? Why do I feel all…tingly inside? What is this strange feeling?_

It was at that moment he realized that maybe there was some time in his life for girls.

Perhaps a girlfriend?

_Everyone else is right…maybe I _do_ need to get laid_.


	3. Health Class

**Chapter Three: Health Class**

* * *

Today was Health class. Not exactly the favorite subject of Yugi and his friends for these reasons.

Yugi hasn't even gone through puberty yet.

Joey is still a virgin (He didn't score with Mai, she beat the crap out of him.)

Tristan can't get a girl because he's too obsessed with the girls on Rock of Love.

Duke already knows everything about the horizontal horror.

Téa is still a virgin and blushes every time someone mentions it.

Serenity is still a virgin.

Weevil is a pervert and gets carried away every time he sees a girl.

Rex is also a pervert.

Bakura has no clue and evil Bakura is gay.

And Kaiba is still a virgin and doesn't care. That was, until Serenity kissed him on the cheek at the costume party over the weekend.

"Okay class, today we will be talking about sexually transmitted diseases."

Everyone groaned.

"If you don't use protecting when you have sex, you'll most likely end up pregnant or with an STD…and die." The teacher held up a picture and everyone was instantly grossed out.

"This is what herpes looks like."

"Herpes, doesn't Mai Valentine have one of those?" Weevil asked Rex.

"Yeah. It's one of her cards."

"One of her cards has herpes? No way. That's just like, totally gross dude."

"This is what syphilis looks like."

"Ew!"

"This is what gonorrhea looks like."

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Joey turning green.

"This is what warts on your privates will look like."

"That is just sick," said Téa.

"I had those once!" some random kid shouted. "The doctors had to freeze them…but they were on my arms."

The teacher continued showing more pictures of STDs and the class continued to cringe at the horrible pictures.

"And that is why you should always use a condom."

The school bell rang and everyone left class.

Kaiba was beginning to reconsider the whole "getting laid" plan he had recently created. But then his thoughts were interrupted when he saw Rex and Weevil climbing up a vent in the closet.

"What are you two losers doing?" he said.

"We're like, going to use this conveniently placed vent and use it to spy on the girls in the girl's locker room," said Weevil."Yeah, and the girls will be getting out of gym in just a few minutes too," said Rex.

"Sounds stupid," Kaiba said beginning to walk away.

"You're missing out man," said Weevil. "Last week I totally got to see Téa's boobs."

"I don't care," said Kaiba. "She's terrible at phone sex."

"Serenity is in the gym class," said Rex. "And she like, totally showers after class."

Suddenly Kaiba became royally pissed off and wanted to punch Rex in the face.

"You saw…Serenity?"

"Yeah dude, and she's got a nice rack too."

"Come on Rex, let's like, get going and stuff," said Weevil climbing the conveniently placed ladder.

Rex followed Weevil up the ladder, and Kaiba began thinking about whether or not he should follow them.

_They get to see Serenity's boobs…losers. The only one who will be seeing her without any clothes on should be me and only me. _

Kaiba quickly climbed up the ladder and followed the two idiots through the ventilation shaft until they were looking down upon the girl's locker room.

"Hey girls, has anyone seen my bra?"

"Yeah here."

"Sweet," Rex said whispering.

Weevil and Rex were in awe, while Kaiba wasn't sure what to think of the girls in the locker room.

Then Serenity walked in and began changing.

"Awesome," said Weevil. "She's like, totally hot and stuff."

"I saw her first losers," Kaiba said. He grabbed the two puny teens and proceeded to beat the crap out of them.

How he did it? No one is sure. There isn't much room in the ventilation shafts, but Rex and Weevil couldn't feel their legs afterwards.

The girls were staring up at the ceiling, listening to the muffled sounds above, and proceeded to scream and run out of the locker room, thankfully all of them dressed.

"There's a ghost up there!"

"AHHHH!"

"The locker room is haunted!"

"Dumb ass, you like, totally scared them away and stuff," said Weevil.

"Shut up loser. If you two weren't staring at my girl, I wouldn't have kicked your asses."

"Your girl? Since when?" Rex asked.

"It doesn't matter when because she is going to be mine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do than hang out with you two morons."

Kaiba left the ventilation shaft, and Rex and Weevil were giggling.

"Dude, what a douche bag," Rex said as they began making their way down the ventilation shaft and towards the other end of the school near the English wing.

"Yeah, totally. He like, needs to get laid and stuff," said Weevil in agreement.

* * *

Finally it was after school…or something like that. To be honest, no one ever sees Yugi and his friends actually doing school work.

"Hey Joey, you want to come with me to my grandpa's game shop?"

"Yeah, sure Yuug. Just let me find Serenity."

"Okay."

Joey went to go find his younger sister.

_Where on earth could she be this time?_

Serenity was getting her things out of her locker, when Seto Kaiba was coming her way, walking with his usual snobby attitude.

Then he looked and saw Serenity Wheeler taking books out of her locker.

_If I didn't know any better, I would say this would be a good time to talk to her_.

Serenity of course, was completely oblivious to the fact that Kaiba was staring at her…again.

It wasn't until he was standing in front of her locker that she realized he had been standing there for a while now.

"Oh! Hello Kaiba, I didn't see you standing there."

"Whatever. I just wanted to know if you had the notes to calculus."

"You're the top of the class, why are you asking?"

"It's just for a comparison."

Serenity handed him her notes, which had doodles of pink hearts in them. Luckily they didn't say Seto and Serenity in any of them.

Even though he wasn't at the costume party, Serenity couldn't stop thinking about him.

"So how was your weekend?" she asked him.

"I was working."

"Oh. You missed a great costume party. Me and some mysterious boy won gift certificates to Duke Devlin's game shop."

"Whatever. I don't care."

"You should've seen the costumes, they were crazy."

"I don't care."

"The music was awesome."

"I don't care."

"Would you like to see picture of me in my costume."

"I don't care…I mean, sure."

Serenity handed him the photo.

_Who the hell was taking pictures that night? I should instill pain and misery upon them._

In the picture was Serenity in her purple fairy princess costume, and Kaiba had his arm around her wearing his dark prince costume…and next to him was Marik, Bakura and Pegasus. Marik was the slutty ballerina fairy princess, Bakura was a Furby, and Pegasus was Snow White. It was a rather disturbing picture if he didn't block the three of them out with his hand.

"Right…so who's that guy?"

"I don't know. But he was really nice. He gave me his gift certificate." Serenity let out a happy sigh…with hint of longing.

"I really wish I could see him again."

_Damn it. Am I going to have to dress up like a buffoon again?_

"Serenity? Serenity, there you are! I was looking everywhere for you."

"Well, well, if it isn't the mutt."

"Grr…Kaiba, what the hell are you doing with my sister?"

"Nothing of your concern, Wheeler. I don't care to hang out with mutts anyway." Kaiba strutted away, his nose stuck up in the air as usual.

"He's such a prick," Joey said.

"He didn't seem like that when I talked to him."

"You're just oblivious to jerks, aren't you?"

Serenity smiled at the obvious.

"Well, Yugi and I are going to his grandfather's game shop. You want to come with us?"

"Okay!"

* * *

"Hey guys, I'm like, totally having another party this weekend," said Duke the following week.

"Another party? Is it another costume party?" Yuugi asked.

"No way. It's a theme party."

"Cool," said Téa. "What kind of theme?"

"The 1980's."

Everyone instantly cringed. Even Bakura, who was a huge Duran-Duran fan. Everyone in Britain loved them.

Only Tristan didn't cringe.

"Hooray! That means I get to dress up like Bret Michaels again!"

"Enough with the stupid Rock of Love references already, geez," said Joey. "This party already sounds stupid enough as it is."

"What's wrong with the 80's?" Duke asked.

"Everything," said Joey. 'No children's card games, and everyone's hair was even crazier than ours is now."

"What about mine?" Yugi asked.

"You're in a whole different league," said Joey.

_And my hair is much cooler than yours, just admit it,_ Yami spoke from inside Yugi's head.

"Well, I don't care what any of you think. Kaiba still hasn't gotten laid, and I think we could try again."

"Whatever," said Joey. "I ain't going this time anyway."

"I can't believe I actually came," Joey whined.

The music was blaring some weird pop-techno-computerized beat, and everyone there was dancing. Well…only Pegasus, Marik and the Paradox brothers. The rest of the school skipped out on the party, only leaving Duke, his fan girls, Yugi and his pals, Rex, Weevil, Kaiba (who would be showing up later) and Zorc.

"I should've gone to destroy the world instead," Zorc said sighing. He had a fake mullet on his head and he was wearing a large red leather vest like Michael Jackson.

"Shut up and try to enjoy yourself," said evil Bakura. Evil Bakura was dressed as an 80's rocker dude, and Tristan kept on mistaking him for the guitar player of Poison, Bret Michael's old band.

"C. C., pick up that guitar and talk to me!"

"Shut up Tristan, you're an idiot."

Téa went through the CD, sorry no, _record collection_, that Duke had on his turn table.

"Let's play some Madonna instead of this crap," Téa said taking off the Bangles record and replacing it with some bubble-gummy pop.

Serenity watched with boredom at the lame party that was taking place.

"This sucks man, there's hardly any chicks here," said Rex.

"Yeah, and the ones here don't want us and stuff," said Weevil.

"We should ditch and go find some babes."

"Yeah, heh, heh, let's do that." Weevil and Rex left, not that anyone noticed or cared.

Téa and Mai were now dancing with the girly men (and Zorc) in the middle of the nearly empty dance floor.

"Duke, this party kind of sucks," Yugi said.

"Yeah, and there's no free tacos either," said Yami.

"It's not my fault these people don't appreciate the classic 80's," said Duke.

"You should have done a 1950's party instead," said Yami.

"No, he should've gone with the 70's," said Yugi.

"50's."

"70's."

Duke walked away from Yugi, who now appeared to be arguing with himself in two different voices. It was pretty weird to watch.

Just when the party was getting extremely lame (and by lame I mean the Paradox brothers dancing together to "You Spin me Right Round") the mysterious masked man entered the room backed up by tons and tons of girls.

"You losers call this a party?" Serenity looked up from the floor to see the masked man standing there again. Only this time, he was dressed in 80's clothes like everyone else in the room…white pants, black shirt, big sunglasses and black and white sneakers. The sunglasses were very large and easily hid most of his face.

_I feel stupider than Bandit Keith when he wore sunglasses in the dark during Duelist Kingdom,_ Kaiba thought to himself.

But he didn't have time to worry, as Serenity was coming towards him wearing one of those weird dresses with legwarmers.

_Even though her clothes and hair are obscenely stupid, she does look cute._

Wait a minute…Kaiba just thought Serenity was cute? It's those hormones again!

"You want to go up to the balcony again?" he asked her.

"Okay."

As Kaiba and Serenity went back upstairs, Duke and Tristan sighed.

"Why doesn't she ever give me a chance?" Tristan said sighing.

"She won't even look at me, and I'm the sexy one."

* * *

Serenity and Kaiba stood on the balcony again, staring deeply into each other's eyes…only Serenity couldn't see Kaiba's beautiful blue eyes.

She was the only one who was completely clueless that Seto Kaiba was standing in front of her.

"Okay, seriously. This is bull crap," Seto said to Serenity. "Let's just make out or something."

"Alright."

Joey was down below and his jaw dropped all the way to the floor when he saw his sister French kissing Seto Kaiba on the balcony of Duke's game shop. He decided to come to the party after all.

_Heh. Kaiba looks totally gay right now in those white pants. They're almost as tight as the Jonas Brother's pants._

"I'm going to kick his ass," Joey muttered entering Duke's game shop. There weren't many people at the party this week, except for Téa, Mai and a bunch of girly and gay men dancing in the middle of the dance floor.

"Hey Joey, about time you got here," said Mai. "The party is actually starting to get fun."

"Fun? That means we'll come back and stuff," said Weevil. Rex followed him back into the room, followed by two blonde hookers.

"Dude, I just scored with two hot chicks," Rex said.

"Yeah, it was totally sweet."

No one really listened to them. They were a bunch of dorks anyway.

"Where's Serenity and Kaiba at? Bakura is doing his Yugi impression again," said Yami.

"Ha ha ha, that's pretty funny."

"Hello, I'm Yugi Mouto. Super special awesome!" said Bakura.

Everyone laughed, except Yugi.

"I don't get it."

"Enough of this crap, I have to kick Kaiba's ass," said Joey.

"Why?" asked Yugi.

"Because he's upstairs making out with my sister."

"But that's what me and the author wanted," said Yugi. "And if didn't do it, I would end up in a slash fic with Bakura."

"That sounds like blackmail to me," said Mai. "But whatever. As long as Téa and I don't have to anything, I'm happy."

"Well, I should probably give Obelisk the Tormentor to Kaiba then," said Yugi heading up the stairs that were empty. Two weeks ago they were completely packed with teenagers.

"Kaiba, I have your-oh my god!" When Yugi got to the balcony, Kaiba's shirt was unbuttoned, and Serenity's top was hung over the balcony railing.

And they were _still_ making out.

"Whoa. I thought this fanfic was PG-13," said Yugi. "Oh well. I'll just leave the card on the table and run away."

Kaiba heard Yugi's voice, but didn't really care. He was too busy.

"Serenity, what the hell are you doing?" That got Kaiba and Serenity to stop.

"Joey? What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming to the party tonight," Serenity said hiding her bra with her t-shirt.

"Look, I think there is something you should know about your new boyfriend."

"Then enlighten us," said Kaiba.

"Sure thing. Serenity, that guy is my arch-nemesis."

"Who?"

"The owner of Kaiba corp."

"Uh…"

"Come on, how dumb can you be? That's Seto Kaiba that you were just making out with."

"Is this true?" she asked the masked man.

Kaiba sighed and took off his sunglasses, letting her see his pretty blue eyes.

"Yes, it was me."

Serenity looked at him strangely.

"Then why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because…uh…I just didn't feel like okay. I had a reputation to protect."

"And now I'm going to kick your ass," said Joey getting ready to punch him.

"Joey, stop!" said Serenity.

"Why?" he asked her.

"Because…I'm in love with Seto…even if you still hate his guts."

"Well in that case, you break Serenity's heart and I break your face Kaiba. Are we clear?"

"Whatever Wheeler, just get out of my sight so I can get to second base with your sister without you having a clue."

Joey left and Kaiba and Serenity were just about to continue making out when Bakura came wondering out onto the balcony.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I noticed that your shoes were checkered and well…uh…I must lick them!" Bakura lunged for Seto's shoes, but missed and went flying off the balcony.

"Idiot. Now…where were we?"

"Where the hell is Bakura? We have an evil villains meeting," said Marik coming out onto the balcony. "I cannot have my council of doom without him. He was going to bring the free tacos!"

"He jumped off the balcony," said Kaiba.

"Okey dokey then, Zorc! Get in here!" Zorc then appeared.

"Ahh! Will you put some pants on? Your big willy dragon thing is scaring the kids."

"But this fanfic is rated M," said Zorc. "And I want to destroy the world."

"We'll do that later. Help me get Bakura down there," said Marik. "Okay."

Zorc grew a pair of huge wings, Marik jumped on the back and they went down to rescue Bakura, who had conveniently fallen into a dumpster full of shoes.

"Shoes! Oh my god shoes!" Bakura held up a pair of red high heels.

"These shoes rule!"

Bakura tossed them aside and picked up a pair of clunky black shoes.

"These shoes suck!"

"These shoes rule!" he said picking up a pair of blue sneakers.

"These shoes suck!" he said tossing aside a pair of brown loafers.

"Wow, that was really weird and extremely random," said Kaiba.

"Maybe we should get out of here then?" Serenity asked.

"You want to go to my place?"

"Sure."

That night they did just that.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how Seto Kaiba got laid.

THE END

* * *

Well that's it. I know it was stupid, but that's how it was supposed to be. It's not supposed to make sense. Heck, I think even Sailor Moon Abridged makes more sense than this story....

Anyway, please review. In the mean time I will be working on Duelist of Love, where Kaiba will attempt to find a potential girlfriend among twenty girls (most of them being horrible trainwrecks).

:)


End file.
